So it has been a while since I updated this blog.
A lot of things had happened. Seasons of breaking, seasons of growing and seasons of blessing. A lot of things are still the same, and yet a lot of things had changed.
This fall God led me to do something that I thought I would never do. Ever.
That is, I told the person that I like how I feel about him. And nothing happened after that between us. He told me that he is not interested in girls, nor relationship. Well, maybe it is a nice way to say that he is not interested in relationship with me.
It was painful, I got hurt in the process, I cried for couple of times and I was sad for 7 weeks. During that time, I grew. I learned to accept and I learned to be content and disappointed at the same time. It was painful to realise that someone’s love can’t be earned by hard work and charming smile. That no matter how godly I am or how godly he is, God may not have this relationship in store for me. That although God had worked in me to make me beautiful, this guy may not be attracted or wanting to pursue relationship with me. It sucks. I was vulnerable and yet there is nothing, nothing, that could stop me from falling and breaking.
This time, God let me fall and break. In the valley, damp,dark and cloudy, I wrestled with my disappointment. I wrestled to see God’s promise where everything is dark and lonely.
In that valley, as I grappled and stumbled, I found that God’s promise is seen when I close my eyes to the valley that I am in, when I chose to be a fool and believe everything despite of the circumstances. In the valley, I found that His blessings were nowhere to be found and yet strangely I know that he is there, sustaining me, holding me. I found his presence, even when blessings are sparse and my heart ache everyday.
Like a weaned child I quiet my soul.
The story doesn’t end happily. But it ends mightily. In the midst of pain and disappointment. When I do not understand and I am likened to a wild beast, He is there. I surrendered the need to understand why things happened. That when I couldn’t see my way, I should trust his heart. Behind frowning providence He hides a smiling face.
Lord, I want to believe, help my unbelief.