This is my journal entry earlier this year, on February 2016.
There are days when longing is not such a terrible thing, on the contrary it is beautiful as I poured it out to God. As I lay on my bed, unwinding, the hours slipping away, thinking upon what God has done in my life, I told God how difficult it is to wait on God, to reveal to me the things that I have been seeking answer from. I told God how much I like this brother and how I long for a day when I can talk to him freely. A day that may not be the answer to my prayers.
There are days, like today, when the longing becomes testing my trust and contentment in God. When the unseen is doesn’t seem like promise. A day when I realized that all the things imagined for are not happening, the things that I long for, are not mine. When all the good memories multiply the longing without any relief. Just waiting. For something that might not happen.
It is not a matter of trusting the LORD. Yes, I trust the LORD will do good, but that alone, doesn’t satisfy this heart, here and now.
But you are here now, you know my heart, you created my inner being. I believe you are enough for me LORD. You are my all in all, my heart belongs to You. You take care of my heart O LORD.
I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy
I pour out my complaint before Him
before Him I tell my trouble
When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way
Jesus is with me in this place, I can rest. He is with me, here and now, in this place.
There is unspoken comfort, knowing that, although this is the place that I don’t want to be, Jesus is with me in this place.
Where can I go from your Spirit,
Where can I flee from Your Presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there
if I make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
if I rise on the wings of the dawn
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast
For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother’s womb
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body
All the days ordained for me, were written in your book
before one of them came to be.