To the girl who doesn’t find worth in herself:

I’ve been that girl too.

There’s seasons of my life where I haven’t found worth in myself. As a woman of God, as a friend, as a daughter, as a missionary, as someone who longs to be married one day. I’ve felt like I’ve failed miserably or taking a thousand steps back and not moving forward. I’ve battled between who society calls a woman and who God calls a woman to be. It is polar opposite but the battles comes when one is right in front of our faces and one we actually have to dig deep and find the truth to believe it. I am in my mid 20’s and I’ve never been on a date. I’m not where I wish I would be at this age but I’m exactly where I need to be. I don’t regret where the Lord has taken me because it is something that…

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When Waiting is Difficult

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This is my journal entry earlier this year, on February 2016. 

There are days when longing is not such a terrible thing, on the contrary it is beautiful as I poured it out to God. As I lay on my bed, unwinding, the hours slipping away, thinking upon what God has done in my life, I told God how difficult it is to wait on God, to reveal to me the things that I have been seeking answer from. I told God how much I like this brother and how I long for a day when I can talk to him freely. A day that may not be the answer to my prayers.

There are days, like today, when the longing becomes testing my trust and contentment in God. When the unseen is doesn’t seem like promise. A day when I realized that all the things imagined for are not happening, the things that I long for, are not mine. When all the good memories multiply the longing without any relief. Just waiting. For something that might not happen.

It is not a matter of trusting the LORD. Yes, I trust the LORD will do good, but that alone, doesn’t satisfy this heart, here and now.

But you are here now, you know my heart, you created my inner being. I believe you are enough for me LORD. You are my all in all, my heart belongs to You. You take care of my heart O LORD.

I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy

I pour out my complaint before Him

before Him I tell my trouble

When my spirit grows faint within me,

it is you who know my way

Psalm 142:1-3

Jesus is with me in this place, I can rest. He is with me, here and now, in this place.

There is unspoken comfort, knowing that, although this is the place that I don’t want to be, Jesus is with me in this place.

Where can I go from your Spirit,

Where can I flee from Your Presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there

if I make my bed in the depths,

you are there.

if I rise on the wings of the dawn

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast

For you created my inmost being,

you knit me together in my mother’s womb

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body

All the days ordained for me, were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139

Decision.

photo-1421986527537-888d998adb74What do you do with one-sided love?

“You make decision too,” Hana said. At that moment I didn’t understand what she meant. At that moment I couldn’t make decision. I am gonna be miserable and I am trapped in this miserable situation.

Today I was talking to a sister who struggled with a brother who seemed to send of message that he is attracted but then when she confessed to him, he said that he is not ready. This is sister was confused and heartbroken.  We talked over 팥빙수 and I am reminded of my own experience (Well, in my case, I was the aggressive one. So it is slightly worse). Yes, welcome to the club.

What do you do after you are rejected? As I am walking home I realized that I do have a choice, I could by faith, wait or by faith, walk away. It is not important whether I choose to still like him or to forget him. You could forget this guy, be bitter toward this brother and God and that would not please God. What matters is my heart towards God. Do I trust Him? Do I love Him more? This guy, he is a backdrop to God’s faithfulness. JUST BACKDROP (he will be the actor once he decided to pursue you). The uglier he is, the more beautiful God becomes. As Christians we often think we will have wonderful love story. But no, sometimes the story is lame. BUT. Jesus is Jesus. He is beautiful and He loves us. That will make the difference. The guy he may never like you back, he may change his mind, who knows. BUT one thing we know, whatever we surrender to God, He will bless and honor it.

Sisters, give your heart to God. Whether it is broken, confused or bitter, give it to God. He will embrace you and teach you His love. True love. More than what the world can give you. Trust me, He had made my story beautiful. I was ashamed, but now no more. I held my head high because God had spoken to me. Three years of my one-sided love turns out to be a splendid journey. Not easy, not always pretty. But I see Jesus more and more. I hold tighter to his promise. I hope more in Him. It has been an intimate walk with God. 

Decision.

Choose Jesus today.

Trust Him.

He never fails.

Prayer of Hannah

14.06.2016

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We are apt to think that as a Christian we should always be thankful for what we have. To have disappointment is a spiritual failure that means we haven’t obeyed God enough, or that we don’t think God is enough, or that we are unable to trust God’s plan.

I think it is not always the case.

When I read 1 Samuel 1, Hannah’s prayer made me think. She had a loving husband and yet she is still filled with grief, she was bothered by Peninah’s mockery and she was not consoled by what Elkanah said that he still loves her. Hannah instead went to the temple and prayed, like one drunk, asking God to give her a son. At that moment, If I had been Hannah friend, I might have rebuked her and asked her to be see the blessings that she had in life and stop whining, spend her time ministering to the widow or to take care orphans. But God didn’t think the way I do. Instead of telling Hannah to go home and be thankful, God heard her prayer and answered it. God honored her faith, her disappointment and her brokenness that was poured out before him. God honored Hannah’s honest, persistent desire. 

I have told myself that I should be thankful for what I have and see God’s blessing in my life. To stop asking for relationship and focus what God has given me. This is a good spiritual discipline, yet sometimes at night, or when I see people getting engaged or married, I felt the pang of desire. The ache of unfulfilled longing. At that time, I am reminded of Hannah’s prayer. I am reminded that it is okay to ask God for what we want. Even when we are not sure if that is God’s will for us. We come to God because we know He cares for us. He loves us, and we can be honest with God regarding our longing and desire. We can cry out to him, we can pour out our heart before him.

O LORD look upon me and hear my prayer, there is no hope for me on earth but you. I want nothing that is not from you. I want your good and perfect gifts. O LORD if it is not from You, it is not mine. I don’t want anything that is not from You. Open your hand and satisfy the desires of our heart. O LORD your love endures.

The Discipline of Waiting in Hope

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The writing below is my journal entry on Jan 13th, 2016. To give a little background, before this post I was on a process to lose weight and was trying to be healthier, I had my hope for relationship dashed after 2,5 years waiting for something to happen. And at that time I was at home where my parents and their friend would “give their opinion” about the way I look and also the fact that I am STILL single is being repeated on daily basis. (note: I love my parents and they love me too, but sometimes “weight” is a touchy issue)

For couple of days I was struggling because I felt that God had not done much lately (I know it is a silly thought). I used to feel that God has so many promises for me and I live daily in the excitement of this promise. Coming home after 4 months made me realize I am still the same person. I am still overweight, I am still having skin problems, I am still single (ouch, ouch, OUCH)

I wondered if God had neglected me and time to time I remembered His Word, “Be content with what you have for never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” I felt no hope at times, seeing how my life is still the same.

But one day, as I was praying in the morning God made me realize that waiting too, is a spiritual discipline. This has been his method of training to those whom he calls, Moses, David and Joseph. These men whom are over-confident of their ability need to be made holy in waiting. As they are realizing their utter dependence on God, as they are learning the discipline of praying and waiting on God, to be submitted to his will and to move only when He commands. These men learned that they are nothing without God. And so I am learning too. I learned that discipline in reading the Word is irreplaceable, although I feel dry and hopeless at times, I must still read His Word. Although I don’t know how things will go, I know that I can lean on God. I know that I can trust him.

A month later I am still waiting. Time to time I still wonder if I will ever meet the man the God has promised me. It hasn’t come and there is no sign of one. But daily, through his word, God reminded me to hold fast to his promises, to not lose heart and distrust God like the Israelites; to accuse God of unfaithfulness and of bad intent, forgetting what the LORD has done in their lives.

Sisters, I know that some of you are waiting like me. Let us not lose heart, but remember what the LORD has promised and what the LORD has done, and as we wait for God’s promise to be fulfilled, let us hold fast by faith. For he is faithful.

 

Introduction: The Quest of Discovering True Femininity

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A dawn of revelation broke upon me yesterday,

I don’t really know what it means to be a woman.

I know how to be an intelligent, smart, assertive, witty, and efficient woman. But I don’t know what it means to be a “woman”.

I realized that being feminine is not something that I have a grasp on. Mind you, what I mean with being feminine here is not about putting on make-up or wearing skirt. It is about having the tenderness, compassion and emotion of a woman. To relate to others in the way that only a woman can.

There is something missing and neglected within me.God propelled me to start this journey of discovering true womanhood. And through this journey, I think there is something that God planned to show me.

I will write the things that I learned through this journey and I hope that it will empower others who are struggling with the same question.

What kind of woman does God calls me to be?

The quest had begun.

When No One Sees

LORD when I feel invisible and things are impossible,
when my prayers seemed to have fallen to the ground,
forsaken, forgotten, not heard.
You let me know that you love me.
You let me know that you are the God of the impossible.
God who cares of the ones forgotten, passed over, invisible, insignificant.

LORD gladly I am forgotten,
gladly I want to be the one passed over
if I can have that loving eyes upon me.