“Nadia, you are an awesome person, beautiful, …. but …
…I already like someone else, and I just don’t see us together.”
“What do you mean ‘you don’t see’?”
“I mean… I am just not attracted to you”
You have imagined it in your head, deep inside you know it. But nothing prepares you for the deafening, numbing, silent explosion of rejection.
It dropped like a heavy steel to deep place in your heart, destroying all of your best kept dreams and desire. Destroyed sprouts of hope that never saw the light of day. You sleep, you wake up and you wonder why you feel sad, and then painful realization slowly creeps, holding your heart with that familiar darkness and loneliness, “I am rejected, he rejected me. I am not wanted, he doesn’t want me.”
To those who are not chosen, rejected
I know the searing pain of being cut by my own shattered hopes, to familiar touch of tears tracing down your cheek, in the lightness of it carrying heavy pieces of heart laden with sorrow. You decided to stop crying only to feel all the tears welled up inside like vomit. You try to clutch yourself, shaken by the turning of emotions inside. You tried to make sense what happened, but all that there is is maddening thoughts, incoherent, accusing. There is no way out.
“I am just not attracted to you.” “I like someone else”
Another punch to your already sick heart. You want to vomit. But there is nothing.
Fight for Freedom
That conversation plunged me into a wounding battle.
I thought year of Jubilee would mean for me to be set free from my singleness by God providing me with a boyfriend, but instead God made me take up my sword and shield and fight for my freedom. And when I can no longer fight, He fought for me. He fought for my heart.
I fought for freedom from past hurt, destructive thoughts, lies, wounds from abandonment. It was not without pain. It was painful, scary and dark. At times I can’t see Him. All I hear and see is threat of destruction.
I am not alone. He had covenanted Himself with me. Whether I feel it or not, He is with me. He is the God who fights for His people. We must call on to Him and wait for His deliverance. This is the faith that we had been called to.
God is God of all comfort.
Like the warmth of morning sun kissing a drenched wooden bench after a dark cold night, his love touched me.
He held me. Send people to hug me, hold my hands, love on me, feed me, bought me coffee. He comforted my heart. He held it in His hands. He hold me still. Told me to be still and know that He is God. He told me that it is okay. That everything is okay.
He had trained me in the wilderness, hard pressed but not crushed, perplexed but not despairing. He had widened my path at the place of narrowing.