“I am just not attracted to you…”

“Nadia, you are an awesome person, beautiful, …. but …

…I already like someone else, and I just don’t see us together.”

“What do you mean ‘you don’t see’?”

“I mean… I am just not attracted to you”


You have imagined it in your head, deep inside you know it. But nothing prepares you for the deafening, numbing, silent explosion of rejection.

It dropped like a heavy steel to deep place in your heart, destroying all of your best kept dreams and desire. Destroyed sprouts of hope that never saw the light of day. You sleep, you wake up and you wonder why you feel sad, and then painful realization slowly creeps, holding your heart with that familiar darkness and loneliness, “I am rejected, he rejected me. I am not wanted, he doesn’t want me.”

To those who are not chosen, rejected

I know the searing pain of being cut by my own shattered hopes, to familiar touch of tears tracing down your cheek, in the lightness of it carrying heavy pieces of heart laden with sorrow. You decided to stop crying only to feel all the tears welled up inside like vomit. You try to clutch yourself, shaken by the turning of emotions inside. You tried to make sense what happened, but all that there is is maddening thoughts, incoherent, accusing. There is no way out.

“I am just not attracted to you.” “I like someone else”

Another punch to your already sick heart. You want to vomit. But there is nothing.

Fight for Freedom

That conversation plunged me into a wounding battle.

I thought year of Jubilee would mean for me to be set free from my singleness by God providing me with a boyfriend, but instead God made me take up my sword and shield and fight for my freedom. And when I can no longer fight, He fought for me. He fought for my heart.

I fought for freedom from past hurt, destructive thoughts, lies, wounds from abandonment. It was not without pain. It was painful, scary and dark. At times I can’t see Him. All I hear and see is threat of destruction.

I am not alone. He had covenanted Himself with me. Whether I feel it or not, He is with me. He is the God who fights for His people. We must call on to Him and wait for His deliverance. This is the faith that we had been called to.

 

God is God of all comfort.

Like the warmth of morning sun kissing a drenched wooden bench after a dark cold night, his love touched me.

He held me. Send people to hug me, hold my hands, love on me, feed me, bought me coffee. He comforted my heart. He held it in His hands. He hold me still. Told me to be still and know that He is God. He told me that it is okay. That everything is okay.

He had trained me in the wilderness, hard pressed but not crushed, perplexed but not despairing. He had widened my path at the place of narrowing.

Guidelines for Eternal Happiness?

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“LORD, I have followed you with all my heart, I am a godly woman, I am attracted to godly man and we are serving the church together. I kept my purity, I prayed for him, I surrendered our relationship into your hands, but why does it hurt so much? I followed all the guidelines for godly relationship!! What else should I have done?”

——

We have all read it, “Guide to Dating for Christian Singles” “What to look for in a man?” “How to be a Godly Christian Singles”. We devoured it with passionate zeal and we expect a beautiful Christian fairytale.

All is good until the mist disappear.

Guidelines for Godly Relationship is not meant to give you guarantee for a brokenness free relationship, it is not meant to guarantee that the brother you are crushing on will return the feelings. The guidelines are meant to lead us in a way that make God proud, to make him glad, to honor Him.

I, for one, follow this guidelines, mistakenly believing that by following them I would get the man that I wanted. I didn’t. I was heartbroken. I was disillusioned. I was angry. I couldn’t believe that God FAILED ME.

Truth is, it is painful, relationship is scary and heartbreak is real and nothing can save you from that. You have taken the risk and you have followed God. Heartbreak or rejection is not a punishment nor indication that you have not loved God enough or that He doesn’t love you enough.

We Christian girls need to learn how to walk with God through heartbreak. Sure enough, we heard so many awesome fairytales story about how our pastor met his wife or how a female church leader met another church leader and fall in love in the LORD. And we thought that’s what gonna happen to us, eventually, if we follow The Guideline. But when it doesn’t happen, God is giving us a chance to see what is in our heart of heart. He is calling us back to Him although it is hard. He is calling us to be humble, to forgive that brother and to trust Him again, although maybe we feel like can’t trust Him anymore.

Slowly as we call upon the Prince of Shalom to restore Shalom in our heart, He will speak. It’s not a race, it’s a walk of wonder with God. The pain will be there, there will be anger and disappointment, there will be many wandering thoughts, thinking of what you did wrong or what the brother did wrong. But, do you want to be healed? Then humble yourself, acknowledge that you are a sinner too although you have been disappointed. Acknowledge that you need a Healer and you need to be restored.

And then you wait, you wait as He reveals Himself, as He comforts you through others and through His words. Recognize Him, open your eyes, pray that the scale of bitterness fell from your eyes. And when you can truly see, you will see that in your hand you have been entrusted with the seed of faith in your hand. Seed that is earned through season of prayer and pain.

Sisters, when we honor God through our relationship, although the relationship does not turn out to what we desire it to be, I believe with all my heart that God is well pleased and that in due time, He will show us that nothing is wasted. That He all along had been the one tending and growing that seed that will become a beautiful tree in His garden.

Trust Him.

Loving Jesus. But, Living In Sin.

These days, to be honest, I have been so bitter at God.
I had been so faithful, yet the more faithful I am, the more spiritual warfare, the more I was afflicted.
I said, “LORD, I am done. let me go, I will live as I want.”
and I did. I didn’t desire Him, and I didn’t feel sorry about it.
I was fine.
I was having a good time.

And one day,
I suddenly felt empty, no matter how many pleasures I indulged myself in, at the end of the day, when the night comes, I felt insecure, I felt lost.
I tried reading the Bible but nothing came through.
I was alone.

He told me, “You do not desire My Presence.”
“You do not believe that I am good to you, that’s why you do not want me.”

Tears running down my cheek all the hurts came rushing back.
“Yes LORD, I do not believe that you are good.”

Again he said,
“I am the Living God.”
“I am the LORD.”
“Come back…”

mysweetjesus

My sweet sister.

I get it.

It’s hard. It’s enticing. It’s strong.

It’s a part of your lifestyle.

Deep down, you feel the guilt.

Deep down, you know your shame.

You want to stop, but you wouldn’t even know where to start.

Hear me.

You are so loved.

Every single part of you. Even down to the deepest cracks in your heart.

You are loved.

You are prayed for. You are sung over.

You are prized.

So, my friend, let’s talk.

Let’s talk about sin.

It’s a three letter word that I don’t like hearing, but don’t hear enough.

Sometimes, I hate living in America because our culture has normalized and embraced and even praised sin.

Having sex with strangers. Getting drunk. Cheating the system. Stealing. Rebelling against parents. Using the name of “Jesus Christ” as a cuss word. Habitually watching porn. Cheating in relationships.

And sometimes I hate how…

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Beautiful Body

This speaks words to my heart

poems.

Sometimes
When I am feeling disconnected from a crowd of people I’m standing in front of
When they are staring at me but nothing about the interaction feels of love or understanding
Not fun or joy
I ask them to repeat after me
“I am beautiful”
And some are more reluctant than others

I am beautiful should be a given
Should be a place we begin from
A foundation we are born into
but sometimes messages get delivered like the post
From a stranger always having a bad day

A body should not beg for acceptance

We walk around in these bodies
These protective suits for our tender souls
We walk around looking like tattered undelivered apology notes
My flesh is exactly as I need it to be to keep my spirit intact
Shiny
But I have been roaming these streets thinking I understood the concept of beauty as it…

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Things Unseen

drew-hays-26240Rebekah sat me down and said, 

“Nadia, I know you need to cry, you can just cry, I want to be your safe place.”

“I want to, but I don’t know how.”

“Stop rationalizing your feelings.”

I stopped thinking and I just allow myself to feel the hurt, disappointment, and unspoken anger to God, I sobbed and sobbed, there is so much anguish that I didn’t even know.

“Lord I am tired.” “All the struggles that I have been through, just let me go.” I prayed for relief, I prayed that God would let me go. “Why do I like this guy?” “Why do you give me a failed relationship? You do know it hurts me LORD”

God gave me his Word.

“For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal” 2 Cor 4:18

Figures of the True

by Amy Carmichael

“My sight faith for waiting so long upon my God.”

“My soul melteth away for every heaviness. Who can sing when his soul melteth?”

“Tell me, is  not thy heart’s desire to bring many people into glory?”

“That is all I desire.”

“Then there is only  one way for thee; I know of no other way. If thou would be inwardly victorious and help others to be victors, thou must refuse to be dominated by the seen and the felt. Thou must look steadfastly through the visible till the invisible open to thee.”

The Way of Praises

john-price-5258March 6th 2017

It has been four months since my confession to the person that I have liked for 3 years. He didn’t feel the same way and I was left with heartache and confusion. I was disappointed and I didn’t know what God has for me.

Sometimes God throws us into a situation where the situation is either we take the way of praises or we take a way of despair. Last Friday in Christianity and Law, Dean Enlow was teaching regarding the way of praises. To praise, we must open our eyes to the heavenly truth, and this means sometimes, we must cease to see things in man’s way.

This semester, I decided to stand up and waged war against Satan’s stronghold in my deep insecurity. I chose to believe in God’s Word, that I am precious in His eyes, that I am loved with His love, that He has plans for me.  In facing rejection, I choose to worship him everyday for what he has done in my life even though I do not understand at times what to do and how to hope anymore. I choose to love this person as my brother, I choose to still be kind and gentle to him although every fiber of my pride tell me to be defensive and to put him down. I choose to hope in the LORD that he will work things out for my good. I choose to pray to the LORD in all honesty, about how much I want this relationship to work out, I poured out every drop of desires in my heart to my God, who is a lover of my soul. I am not afraid even if I prayed the wrong prayer because I know the LORD’s Spirit knows all things and is the sufficiency of my prayers. He is my hope. I can be free because I know who will catch me when I fall, I know the One who leads me by my right hand.

Here is my praise,

Thank you LORD, that at this season you taught me to love without asking back, to be vulnerable without being weak, to be faithful in difficult season, to trust You that everything will work out for my good even when none of the prayers had been answered. Thank you LORD that although, I am walking on the edge of despair, I am holding fast to the strong Rock of hope, Christ Jesus my Lord.

I praise you LORD because I have hope in Christ, always, everyday, every moment, forever.

You are beyond what my mind can comprehend O LORD. and when I can’t see my way through tears, I will still trust you.

Things To Be Found In the Valley

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So it has been a while since I updated this blog.

A lot of things had happened. Seasons of breaking, seasons of growing and seasons of blessing. A lot of things are still the same, and yet a lot of things had changed.

This fall God led me to do something that I thought I would never do. Ever.

That is, I told the person that I like how I feel about him. And nothing happened after that between us. He told me that he is not interested in girls, nor relationship. Well, maybe it is a nice way to say that he is not interested in relationship with me.

It was painful, I got hurt in the process, I cried for couple of times and I was sad for 7 weeks. During that time, I grew. I learned to accept and I learned to be content and disappointed at the same time. It was painful to realise that someone’s love can’t be earned by hard work and charming smile. That no matter how godly I am or how godly he is, God may not have this relationship in store for me. That although God had worked in me to make me beautiful, this guy may not be attracted or wanting to pursue relationship with me. It sucks. I was vulnerable and yet there is nothing, nothing, that could stop me from falling and breaking.

This time, God let me fall and break. In the valley, damp,dark and cloudy, I wrestled with my disappointment. I wrestled to see God’s promise where everything is dark and lonely.

In that valley, as I grappled and stumbled, I found that God’s promise is seen when I close my eyes to the valley that I am in, when I chose to be a fool and believe everything despite of the circumstances. In the valley, I found that His blessings were nowhere to be found and yet strangely I know that he is there, sustaining me, holding me. I found his presence, even when blessings are sparse and my heart ache everyday.

Like a weaned child I quiet my soul. 

The story doesn’t end happily. But it ends mightily. In the midst of pain and disappointment. When I do not understand and I am likened to a wild beast, He is there. I surrendered the need to understand why things happened. That when I couldn’t see my way, I should trust his heart. Behind frowning providence He hides a smiling face.

Lord, I want to believe, help my unbelief. 

To the girl who doesn’t find worth in herself:

I’ve been that girl too.

There’s seasons of my life where I haven’t found worth in myself. As a woman of God, as a friend, as a daughter, as a missionary, as someone who longs to be married one day. I’ve felt like I’ve failed miserably or taking a thousand steps back and not moving forward. I’ve battled between who society calls a woman and who God calls a woman to be. It is polar opposite but the battles comes when one is right in front of our faces and one we actually have to dig deep and find the truth to believe it. I am in my mid 20’s and I’ve never been on a date. I’m not where I wish I would be at this age but I’m exactly where I need to be. I don’t regret where the Lord has taken me because it is something that…

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When Waiting is Difficult

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This is my journal entry earlier this year, on February 2016. 

There are days when longing is not such a terrible thing, on the contrary it is beautiful as I poured it out to God. As I lay on my bed, unwinding, the hours slipping away, thinking upon what God has done in my life, I told God how difficult it is to wait on God, to reveal to me the things that I have been seeking answer from. I told God how much I like this brother and how I long for a day when I can talk to him freely. A day that may not be the answer to my prayers.

There are days, like today, when the longing becomes testing my trust and contentment in God. When the unseen is doesn’t seem like promise. A day when I realized that all the things imagined for are not happening, the things that I long for, are not mine. When all the good memories multiply the longing without any relief. Just waiting. For something that might not happen.

It is not a matter of trusting the LORD. Yes, I trust the LORD will do good, but that alone, doesn’t satisfy this heart, here and now.

But you are here now, you know my heart, you created my inner being. I believe you are enough for me LORD. You are my all in all, my heart belongs to You. You take care of my heart O LORD.

I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy

I pour out my complaint before Him

before Him I tell my trouble

When my spirit grows faint within me,

it is you who know my way

Psalm 142:1-3

Jesus is with me in this place, I can rest. He is with me, here and now, in this place.

There is unspoken comfort, knowing that, although this is the place that I don’t want to be, Jesus is with me in this place.

Where can I go from your Spirit,

Where can I flee from Your Presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there

if I make my bed in the depths,

you are there.

if I rise on the wings of the dawn

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast

For you created my inmost being,

you knit me together in my mother’s womb

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body

All the days ordained for me, were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139

Decision.

photo-1421986527537-888d998adb74What do you do with one-sided love?

“You make decision too,” Hana said. At that moment I didn’t understand what she meant. At that moment I couldn’t make decision. I am gonna be miserable and I am trapped in this miserable situation.

Today I was talking to a sister who struggled with a brother who seemed to send of message that he is attracted but then when she confessed to him, he said that he is not ready. This is sister was confused and heartbroken.  We talked over 팥빙수 and I am reminded of my own experience (Well, in my case, I was the aggressive one. So it is slightly worse). Yes, welcome to the club.

What do you do after you are rejected? As I am walking home I realized that I do have a choice, I could by faith, wait or by faith, walk away. It is not important whether I choose to still like him or to forget him. You could forget this guy, be bitter toward this brother and God and that would not please God. What matters is my heart towards God. Do I trust Him? Do I love Him more? This guy, he is a backdrop to God’s faithfulness. JUST BACKDROP (he will be the actor once he decided to pursue you). The uglier he is, the more beautiful God becomes. As Christians we often think we will have wonderful love story. But no, sometimes the story is lame. BUT. Jesus is Jesus. He is beautiful and He loves us. That will make the difference. The guy he may never like you back, he may change his mind, who knows. BUT one thing we know, whatever we surrender to God, He will bless and honor it.

Sisters, give your heart to God. Whether it is broken, confused or bitter, give it to God. He will embrace you and teach you His love. True love. More than what the world can give you. Trust me, He had made my story beautiful. I was ashamed, but now no more. I held my head high because God had spoken to me. Three years of my one-sided love turns out to be a splendid journey. Not easy, not always pretty. But I see Jesus more and more. I hold tighter to his promise. I hope more in Him. It has been an intimate walk with God. 

Decision.

Choose Jesus today.

Trust Him.

He never fails.